Does anger always miss the point? It seems like it does. A message tinged with even the tiniest bit of anger seems to come up short relative to the ultimate truth.
Even so, anger is something I deal with often. First I must clarify that for me "anger" is always actually indignation. Likewise, "sadness" is always sorrow, and "happiness" is always joy. Anger, sadness, and happiness are mere petty emotions that I have nothing to do with. Indignation, sorrow, and joy on the other hand are states of being with an actual solid basis.
I gave an overview of the story of the last 8 years of my life (2012-2020, age 16-23) in Welcome to the Void. The root of indignation was set in 2017, which is when I realized that I had been naive and was moved to deep sorrow by the fact. The expression of the indignation began in late 2018. In February through April 2019 it was placed into check by my being at the peak of my running career so far, which I credit due to my having heart. I became demoralized in May 2019 after failing to finish a 50-mile race (Wapack and Back) and "grilling" my left quad in the process, an event from which I have not fully recovered after 13 months. I at least continued to perform well in races, which I was doing weekly. In 2019 I raced triple the distance that I raced in any other year. This was both a trying and a promising process. I blew it on July 27 when I injured both knees by falling multiple times (at Wakely Dam Ultra)-- another instance from which I have not fully recovered after 11 months. After this happened I began to fall apart mentally (with somewhat of a pause in October), to a low point on January 23 2020.
Of course, the July 27 incident was caused by an improper spirit in the first place. Whenever I am out of integrity with what I am meant to be, I tend to accidentally hurt myself. Trying to hold energies which do not resonate with my destiny compromise my mental capabilities and throw my body off balance, making me susceptible to accidents like stubbing my toes, tripping, and dropping objects if I am holding something. This is why the ideal is completeness of perfection: because inner perfection leads to outer perfection. This is the same basic reason why I prefer not to talk while doing something important, such as driving. Most of the words that come out of my mouth are disingenuous because in most situations I find it practically impossible to talk in a manner which is 100% in integrity with what I desire to be. The reason that I talk anyway is a combination of an apparent obligation to do so, inward failure on my part, and a wanting to try. Consequently, when I talk my abilities and basic functioning are compromised. In my first year of driving I often requested to passengers in my car that they do not talk to me if they don't have to. Nowadays I just refrain from initiating conversation when I drive and that usually is enough to avoid me speaking.
The impossibility of being 100% aligned with my ideal 100% of the time is one of the most frustrating and sorrowful aspects of my life. The negativity of this situation is amplified by the fact that most people either do not know that ideal, do not know I have it, do not understand it, are not capable of understanding it, or simply do not care. Not only that but most people are fundamentally opposite of that ideal in their actions, understanding, ideas, and words. It tends to be when all three of those facts are blatantly present at the same time that I express indignation. I deal with indignation within myself on a daily basis. I do not express it daily, however. When I do express it it tends to be severe, to the point of appearing as not mere anger but wrath or rage. Such has been the case since July 28 2019. When enraged I am susceptible to not only having physical accidents (as described above) but also to destroying things. So far in 2020 I have broken a plastic chair, broken a storm door off its hinges, broken a pencil, and broken the frame off an inherited family portrait. I also did minor damage to a wicker chair. These items all are my or my household's property. The reason I destroy things when indignation turns to rage is that I want to destroy the economic conception of life but I cannot, so I sublimate that desire into the destruction of physical objects. On average this happens about once per month. I do not always destroy objects when enraged. Overall I express rage, with or without physical destruction, 2-3 times per month.
I have considered that my level of physical fitness enables me to hold a large amount of emotion in my body and then do what I will with it.
I always know why I am indignant. I always take care to articulate my thoughts during these times. I explain exactly why I feel the way I do, as fully as I can in the span of a few minutes. Especially now that I have had few social interactions aside from my immediate family, farmers (people from whom I buy food), and the occasional race director since March 20 2020, the times of rage are the only times when I express my true thoughts. This is why I do not stop myself: it is the one time I get to hear uninhibited truth and conviction flow from my mouth. What do I speak about? I speak most about what is opposed to what I value and how what I value gets desecrated. I say very little about what I value in itself. There was at least one time where I said that things are not meant to be this way-- that I am supposed to just be transparent and not get angry. And never do I actually get to speak from the place of what I value. I get to speak of it, just a little bit, but not to be of it. It seems that I get to be that only in silence.
These moments of speaking truth through indignation are one form of a larger phenomenon I call “Lightning.” Lightning is a moment of uninhibited action. All uncertainty either gets embraced by a kind of audacious zest for life or dissolves. Lightning is when I suddenly run a 10-minute mile late in a 100-mile race after painfully walking for several hours. Lightning is straightforward and concerned with nothing more than life and death, and the imposition of will. All excuses and deliberations of intellect fall away, and a straightforward will takes charge.
But What About Transparency?
In Finding the Original Intention of America I explained that I find no value in preaching, complaining, nor being self-righteous at all. This is very similar to the fact that any expression of anger seems to miss the point. My evasions of these expressions have minimized the amount of writing I have done on kimwrate.com this year. On January 31 in Sharing the Thought Process I said that I refuse to compromise just to say something: instead I am ardent about remaining on point. However, I do feel that overall I am sharing too little. In July 2018- two years ago- the initial idea was to transparently share my life and thought process. I then spent a year deliberating over every detail of the idea. The first post was The Journey of Self-Realization on July 12 2019. I am basically pleased with the collection of writing I have shared since then. Those 25 articles provide a detailed overview of my worldview, the process my life has followed, what I experience, my most significant and essential thoughts, and what is most important to me. I think I have done a decent job of staying on point in each individual article as well as in the entire collection of the last year. I have made a few statements in which I came up short, and I might address that sometime.
My biggest potential disappointment so far is that I have not been sharing as much as I had originally set out to do. I intended to share my thought process as much as possible while remaining on point. Unless they were all quite long I would probably post more than 25 articles in a year if I was actually doing that. It is true that I stepped back on September 1 2019 and did not return until January 31 2019: I was too demoralized and unsure to share much of anything. So far I have preferred waiting to find a certain level of sureness in my thoughts before trying to share: that is why I said nothing from April 13-June 11 2020. However, sharing also tends to help bring things into clarity for me, as long as I do so from the right place internally. Plus there is a value in the sharing being true to timeliness. More importantly, I said from the beginning that the goal of this blog is just to be transparent and nothing more. This is largely because I seem doomed to not win, so the best I can do now is just honestly share the details of my life and my thoughts, while keeping this sharing organized, significant, and straightforward. I find this line of reasoning to be sobering and deflating, as well as unavoidable.
The point is that my attempt to evade both misplaced sentimentality as well as "negative" expressions such as indignation keep me from posting. I have several articles that I wrote the bulk of and then stopped work on because I was not sure they were on point. I explained one in "Finding the Original Intention of America." The other was written more recently. In that more recent article I talked about specific people in my life-- mainly how they have aligned themselves with the economic conception of life instead of the spiritual one. After writing a first draft I thought I should say things that would make it seem more fair. Before I could do that I closed the document to do something else and have not opened it since. I just felt too unsure about the whole thing, even though all the events I discussed in the article actually did happen and there is nothing dishonest in it. I wrote this article on June 24 and titled it, "Inevitable Short-term Defeat." The first quarter of the article is impersonal enough to be shared, though it is somewhat harsh. After that the stories from my personal life begin. I am concerned that not only does any form of anger miss the point but talking about anyone other than myself will cause other people to miss the point of my message. I expressed that concern at the end of the article:
Has this expression of indignation, both personal and impersonal, been necessary? I did write in my journal after writing most of this, “I can't believe I'm writing this article. It's so scathing and personal. It had better be on point, definitive, and solid.”
Indignation seems to flow well verbally, but I think the point almost always gets lost in any type of anger. For instance, it's not just that people “hate nature” but, moreover, they hate being divine: they would rather be greedy and fearful. I feel that expressions of personal indignation are very ugly compared to impersonal expressions. That is because the the point is more likely to be lost in the personal expressions, by the holder of the indignation, the person it is targeted towards, and those watching. The people on the sidelines are all too likely to wipe the sweat from their foreheads in relief of the fact that it is not they who have had the finger pointed at them-- so they think. They buy into appearances so readily they forget that they are just as guilty-- it's just that I did not use them specifically in any examples today. If I must then I will remind them by including them next time. ...You are not above being revealed for what you really are. No one is.
I have brought down the iron hand today. Nevertheless, in the short term of things I will be defeated. Such is the doom of the material world.
After I finished writing this I decided that anything I post must have as its purpose the renewal of the perfection of life. So I thought about qualifying my statements by saying that the people I am talking about do have a higher potential, it's just that they chose not to fulfill it.
So, I don't know whether "Inevitable Short-term Defeat" will ever appear in the archives of kimwrate.com. I must admit that such uncertainty, which is born strictly from intellect, is tiresome. Withhold and distort my own thoughts was not what I originally set out to do here. I get that the goal is to renew the perfection of life and I don't want to say or do anything that might get in the way of that. I do have to address my internal conflict over indignation somehow because it continually finds a way to express itself anyway. In the Note on Personal Information I wondered whether the rest of humanity is doomed to take the ride of transparency with me, and I decided the answer basically has to be yes. But it is still hard. I do not want the people on the sidelines snickering and thinking they're innocent when it's someone else's turn. I wonder whether the only solution is to give everyone a thorough "beating" (if they must see it that way). This calls up the train of thought I was on in 2019 and early 2020, when I could not help but wonder whether it is only the man who finds the meaning of life in conflict who can hope to rise to the heights and overcome this world. At some point in February or March 2020 I decided to set aside my incessant thought about conflict, because it occurred to me that I might have mistaken the need for precision as the inevitability of and even need for conflict. Is conflict necessary to true progress? Should conflict not be met openly and even embraced? I got tired of asking myself and decided to focus on perfection instead. Still, conflict remains as a fact of human life at present.