Usually, on this site, I like to tell you how to win. However,
I’m not sure that I do a very good job of that. Now, I’m going to tell you how
to lose. I think that’s something I
can do right—except probably not, because I’m a loser. Just like you will be
successfully by the end of this article.
1. Never listen to anyone, except for all the time.
Don’t do what anyone tells you to do. That will win you social rejection, which is an obvious trail to loserdom. It might even get you kicked out of your house someday, which would be doubly wonderful (though it would violate Rule 7).
“All the time” means that, at the same time that you act like a rebel-badass, you unconsciously allow everyone and everything in your environment to sway you. When you get strange looks from people, you “listen” by in turn believing that you are weird. When told you are a loser you agree in your heart and mind, even if on the outside you flip “the bird” and do your best to look cool.
It's perfectly fine to listen as long as you don't let in on the fact of your doing so. Keep it on the down-low, loser.
2. Do the opposite of what everyone else does; or, do exactly the same.
Like never listening, doing what everyone else is not will make you look weird, and also, by definition, make you into a loser. A few people here and there might praise you as a champion of uniqueness but, well, if you’re a loser, they probably won’t. But if they do, they too are likely deluded losers. Do not worry about them; such people are harmless. In fact, to others they will probably make you look like even more of a weirdo-loser. In that case, keep ‘em comin’.
As for the alternative, doing the same thing that everyone else is doing will likely turn you into big papa-loser because the masses are usually stupid and deluded, which means they are losers. Basically, it’s either be railed on by them, or be them. It’s up to you: both paths are perfectly valid.
3. Be passive.
Ah, yes, I think this one is my favorite, but I don’t know why. Probably ‘cause I’m a cheeky ol’ loser.
Losers love to suck up, like a vacuum cleaner, whatever stimulation comes to them most easily. Typically, this stimulation has psychological roots. Maybe the loser is a television-algae, or a slutty-women addict, or a running-while-eating junkie. Whatever the case, the path of least resistance sounds just plain wonderful. Bring on the familiar, baby. Make it fast and greasy. Mmm.
Being passive can look like starting a bunch of endeavors and soon enough letting them fade away quietly. It can look like strolling down the path of adventure and then turning around or falling asleep at the first boulder in the way; or, preferably, looking around and doing nothing. It can also take the form of trying nothing.
Believe it or not, passivity can also manifest through trying something relentlessly and refusing to give up, no matter how many times failure has occurred. An excess of effort is actually a sign of laziness, as it indicates that you’re putting all your effort where it absolutely is not needed, you inefficient, lazy bastard. It would probably take more balls to quit or accept that you need to do things differently than it does to keep barraging (is that proper English?!) the same task every god damned day, over and over again.
Of course, such a Herculean effort will delude you into thinking you’re a hard worker- which a loser typically is not- so maybe you should just keep doing it.
4. Environmental reinforcement.
They say that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Thus, you should aim to surround yourself with as many of the biggest losers you can find. Talk to them, study them, eat with them, and fuck ‘em. Doing drugs with them- preferably those drugs that they give you, or even those they’ve made- should make you even more susceptible to their influence.
It helps to see a winner every now and then, too. Being stared into the soul by a person of high achievement will remind you that you are dirt, and dirt you shall always be. Just don't have this failure of a staring contest too often, or it might trick you into joining the light, happy winner side. Don't give into the frilled-images of winnerdom: it's really not that great. I've tried it. It sucks.
It’s possible that the influence of your loser friends will distort your view of winners and cause you to see them as the weirdo losers. Once you have reached this state, you are a true loser. Congratulations.
5. Isolation.
This is sort of a corollary to Rule 4. It is possible that only losers use the word “corollary.”
While spending all your time with loser-friends is a sure path to being a loser yourself, it certainly can help to be a loner. Too much time alone might cause you to get big ideas into your head, and we don’t want those. Just a little time among losers, however, and your alone time will be as good as unproductive (at least). Beyond that small amount of time needed to stay within the loser-frame, you may structure your isolation/social reinforcement-balance as you please.
A nice way to go about things is to spend your daylight hours among losers, perhaps at some loser-job, and then go home during the darkness into aloneness. To me this is the most effective path to loser-ville, because it really drives home the feeling of being a loser. Spending all your time among people- even if they’re losers- can conjure up the illusion that you’re cool, which we all know is not the case. However, delusions and distortions of reality can be excellent at keeping you stuck in losertown (see the end of Rule 4), so choose your battles wisely.
An alternative: if you are jobless (which is likely, you loser), you can sleep and TV away your morning hours and spend your nights at some loser club with smelly drunk losers, which may include stupid and ill-willed loser-women who you might just be able to sleep with. You will never get closer to “loser” than when you are inside one. Losers are too much of losers to be their best loser-selves all on their own. Run with the best, young grasshopper, and you shall go far.
6. Write.
Philosophize. Get trapped in your head. Explain away. Communicate the abstract images and ideas in your mind insufficiently. Tell people things which they can barely apply to their lives, if at all. Repeat what has already been said countless times, in an unfathomable variety of ways. How much more loser-y could this get?
It’s preferable that you write in the form of a blog, which you may or may not pay to use, and that you have a small audience which either asks you dumb questions (because all audiences are passive idiots; see Rule 3), writes, “Good post” on about 40-90% of your posts, or just doesn’t exist. A large audience is apt to be stupid as well, but that can bring up the illusion-game, too (see rules 3, 4, and 5. Or 3-5. Whichever you prefer, you grammar-nazi loser. This isn’t about grammar anyway).
Writing about something is a good demonstration of how you are not actually doing that thing at present. It’s a good show of how you’re doing nothing. Waste your time writing so that you can help others waste their time, which they will achieve by reading what you have written.
Yay writing! :)
7. Live with your parents.
If you live in the same house (or apartment, or bomb shelter, or slimeball-pub basement) as your parents you automatically have lost. This is true even if you are the one taking care of them.
This rule needs no explaining. Explanations are for sore losers.
8. Do anything; or, do nothing.
The number one rule is this: if you exist, you are a loser. More specifically, if you have existed, you are the loser. Usually we like to think of the dead as perfect souls, but if you are dead you are a loser because you can’t do anything. Sorry.
Whatever ventures you may attempt in this lifetime, you will be a loser for that attempt. Remember: trying hard makes an inefficient loser. On the other hand, if you do nothing you are a loser because you take up space- space in which there is no room for winners. Having winners in the space would be far too much for the mind to handle anyway, so maybe you should continue taking up that space.
You don’t get a conclusion because conclusions are for loser academics who just skip to the last two sentences so they can pretend they’ve read a paper and they now have all this fancy-pants knowledge which no one else will ever understand because they’re losers. Sorry.
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(Written on 26 January 2015)