June 14 2020
Now there is pain. It is the pain and the frustration of hopelessness-- the pain of not being close enough to Nature, instead being doomed to every kind of hell created by man.
It does frustrate me, in this hour, to think how desirous normal people are of violence. They are practically masochistic in their want of someone to subjugate them via superior terror and force over them. They do not necessarily want that force to be expressed as physical violence, but they do want the genuine threat of this superiority forever held over them. If one does not fulfill their wish of being subjugated, then they will do the subjugating. When a person appears to them to be naïve to the game of violence, then they turn the game of violence upon that person. They try to psychologically manipulate that person, get them to express whatever emotions they wish to see them express, to say the words they wish to be heard, and to be looked at by the eyes of a dumb and hopeful lamb.
Note that this is all very subtle, so they will deny it again and again. I know it is real because I have experienced it again and again. Indeed, I have the appearance of being the most non-physically-threatening, naïve, and even weakest creature one can conceive of on Earth: a young, thin, short, blonde woman living in a modern industrialized world in which she has no official place, who seems to be bogged down in intellect, and who has a dream of uniting with natural life in infinite non-violence. In fact, being relatively healthy and mildly self-reliant makes me appear even lower in the eyes of most because no one can frame themselves as being my “savior” and make themselves look like a good humanitarian thereby. All they can and do seek from me is submission, for the human loves only that which bends to his will.
At least, I have the appearance of inferiority to coarse minds and shallow personalities. I have made it clear multiple times now that to prioritize appearance over essence is ultimately a deadly mistake in life, deadly in the sense that it will cause one only to decay- to live in increasing fallenness- until death arrives. It is quite hard, and it gets harder all the time, for humanity to not become bogged down in appearance. The consequence is that people are not content to see only a single instance where someone demonstrates a potentially stronger will and ability to execute that will than they (as well as the ability to impose that will upon them, violently if need be). No-- they want the appearance of a being superior to them in the aspect of violence to be constant. That means they want the threat of violence to be held over them all the time, and any second it is not held over them they will turn the tables with their own petty game of subjugation.
When the “good,” “moral” person preaches it sounds like he is trying to have mercy on you, reassure you, and help your poor soul, when really half his aim is to cover his ass, subjugate you to his reign, and thereby forge for himself an appearance of righteous domination. He puts most of his energy into talk because he has no real basis for “righteousness” and, in some cases, no real abilities. Talk is very frequently the weapon used to reign over people: talk over something enough and you may drown it out, and appear to rise as master over it. Almost all talk is misled, misleading, and fallen.
How many times have people- typically whom are blatantly unhealthy- feigned “concern” for me and then at some point revealed their true agenda, which is to reign over me psychologically (and perhaps otherwise). One way this is made clear is that, when I attempt to help them or support them in some way, they rub my nose in it (and I feel the fog of brain- the force of decaying in stupidity- that comes over me). They will never admit it (but I will, as I have done such things myself). Shall I enlighten you with real examples of real people who would, in this event, desperately cling to the appearance of righteousness? Shall I make people regret their prioritization of appearance? Shall I crush them with the simple sharing of truth, or spare thee for now?
People whine all the time for protection by the forces of law from “bad people.” Yet, when people who are fundamentally different from them attempt to extend an olive branch of any kind they tear it apart like a rabid animal. So, what-- do they care only for a state of constant war? Shall the people be given what they desire? Perhaps they should be careful since whatever the majority of people want- especially on the subtle level- is very often what they get. Of course, they are far too reckless and conceited to find genuine caution in such a possibility.
In August 2017 I posted an article titled, “Renouncing Unhealthy Sexuality.” In it I dismissed multiple fallen conceptions of sex which I have been affected by (my most recent addressing of this subject can be found in the Welcome to the Void series, especially part one). I deleted that article when I wished to purge almost every reference to sex I have ever made, regardless of the attitude taken therein. While that article was up it made a number of people squirm-- even nearly “freak out.” It was interesting for me to feel that I had defied. I had defied not just anything but the very thing which I am, by my existence and will, diametrically opposed to-- the economic conception of life, which seeks to take for itself and dismisses natural consequences.
Is that what you wanted-- you wanted me to express an uncompromising hardness which strikes terror into your heart? Or is it just that, as I have suspected, people who are fundamentally different from each other are not capable of occupying the same planet without getting in each other's way?
Trampling of Innocence
What is it that must be crushed to end this pain? Every molecule of brain fog and deluded emotion is unworthy. Any internal utterance of “self-talk” lines the path to ruin through decay. Wracking one's own brains is useless. When I am asked a question in any kind of normal context I tend too often to wrack my brains and answer hesitatingly. Obviously this is an inferior method of inquiry anyway because it is purity which produces the clearest knowledge and self-expression. Why, then, do I resort to being bogged down in intellect, when I know how useless it is? I do this because it is a method of castrating myself. I have to psychologically and spiritually castrate myself in social situations in order to blend in in a relatively acceptable manner. This is my attempt to be completely unimposing and try not to defy people's understanding of life in any way large nor small, intended nor unintended. It is not possible for me to thoroughly “be a normal person” because I operate on a fundamentally different set of ideas. As such I must live in a constant state of either defiance of what is “normal” (i.e. the “moral” economic conception of life) or as one pitifully chained to it, and never as a faithful follower.
Now, you might think that because my dream is one of non-violence, I should be content to be completely unimposing upon others. Yet this does not keep them from imposing upon the natural, the pure, and the beautiful-- all things which they have distorted and degraded in themselves. There are two types of power: one type is endogenous, fine, and intuitive, while the other is technological and overwhelming. The second type quashes the first, often regardless of intent. That which is loudest tends to dominate regardless of its righteousness (it at least has the appearance of dominating). That which is most innocent tends to get trampled by what is loud. That is the doom of the material world, and that is how purity and innocence have been lost. People are not content with apparent silence nor emptiness: they need talk, consumable items (e.g. food, drink, and media), emotion, trance, and brain fog. They insist on something to cling to as opposed to being in the void. This is how they fall (from grace and from any kind of supermanhood, which is not the “elitism” of owning many things but a state of being healthy, pure of intent, and in tune with nature).
Yet something always and inevitably presides over all of life. This “something” is Life's laws, the reliable logic of Nature, and the ultimate purpose as self-realization, which together cause the world to be reborn in tenderness and love no matter what. All death gives rise to a new birth: this is the definition of renewal.
If the renewal of the perfection of life is guaranteed, why bother to become an active agent of it? Because, the only way to experience such perfection is to become a willing participant in it. The only alternative is to die by decay.
Ultimately I must use the abilities granted by nature and cultivated through purity by the force of will in order to abide in absolute firmness by the one goal capable of uniting all forms of life, which is to see all things for what they truly are.